This may seem odd. But this is one of the only standing sites that belonged to my brother KaZ. He passed away last year in November. Committed suicide by a self inflicted gunshot to the head. The sad thing that he survived the initial shot but died in his hospital bed. Chris (KaZ) was a fun person. Jovial. Joked a lot and loved everyone. He was one of a kind. Great at his craft and truly was just a loving character. Going through his things, I dared to poke around his belongings he left. Found some if the sites he posted on and different conversations he had with people. Some personal and meaningful conversations and some short but sweet. But he always looked at the glass half full. It pained me going through his personal notes seeing he didn't convey or write or take in none of the uplifting things he told others. He wanted to go. He said he needed to go. It broke me. Seeing his last words. Hearing the voice recordings. He had it in his head that he just didn't belong. He planned it out. His drive was dying and being rid of his depression. I couldn't believe it was the same person. I couldn't believe that Chris was feeling this way. I wish I had known. This vbroke me down. And I started to hate him. I started deleting things that belonged to him. Trying to delete who this person was out of my head. But I kept thinking how much I didn't know about my own brother. It was just a few weeks ago. I started looking back. Looking at his more serious pieces and seeing the work he didn't show people. And little by little I saw patterns. I saw someone who started to just give up. Fizzle out and crash. He felt and wrote that nobody wanted to hear him out or nobody would care. So he kept it in and tried to make the best of things out of the worst. But he started to become frustrated and smothered. He couldn't take it anymore.

His birthday is a few days away on the 14th. I wanted to wait and post it then but the reality is that someone needs to hear this. If you are in need of help and you feel like you're on last leg. If you are in the dark and you just want to give up. Please don't. Please try to find help. Try to speak to someone before it's too late. I wouldn't have believed I would have been dealing with this and I feel like I'm the cause of it. This hurts. I just want you know that there is always someone out there willing to listen to you. Help you. It's never too late to ask for help. I love you Chris. And I miss you. I'm sure everyone does.

Than you for everything and thank you all for reading. Stay safe.